Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
This is a bad sign
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley