If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.