Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Guantanamo Bae
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?