do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Breaking news:
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My work here is don’t.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…