Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
These aliens are taking forever.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Ha
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue