[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Always 🥴
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.