How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Otters see a butterfly.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.