Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
this will hang in the louvre one day
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD