If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you