me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
never compromise your values
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …