wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
So inspired right now.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.