How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My dress code is business-casualty.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls