I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab