*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.