My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Made something I’m not proud of
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me, in DM rooms…
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.