me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Just me and my debit card against the world
worst…sale…ever
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no