The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful