[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock