Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“