Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
time machine? you mean a clock?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.