Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.