If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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What a kind woman! 😂😂
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: