Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Same post same
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
i’m still crying at this
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!