forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi