employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors