me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“HELP WITH CAT”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.