On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
This is me 🤣🤣
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”