I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.