Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?