I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715