Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]