Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Yup.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.