My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
You Might Also Like
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.