Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Care for your back
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”