Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
smartest karate player in the world
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone