the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
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Awesome parenting 😂
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit