We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I think we should hear other voices.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.