Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
work smarter, not harder
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.