My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.