I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.