Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive