Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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I get distracted pretty eas
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
why am I working on Labor Day
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door