The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.