I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time