Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Guy who likes music
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*