Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I WON A HAM TODAY
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.