5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
You Might Also Like
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.