I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Customize Your Wedding.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”