Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
You Might Also Like
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When someone trying to leave me
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Oceanography is all about current events
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
sry
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.