*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Put a ring on it
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit